Sisterly Advice for Overcoming Marital Discord and Navigating Challenging Situations

Words of Wisdom from Umamah bint al-Harith and Sheikh Uthaymeen on Marriage, Modesty, and Perseverance

A message from a sister reads:

“I think it’s most befitting to take from a very wise woman who has made some very beautiful statements for her daughter who was about to get married. This fact shows her sincerity, as a mother would only want good for her child. We advise the sisters to take example from this and put their pride aside and focus on that which Allah has commanded us with; which is good for us. May Allah show mercy on this noble woman and us. May Allah make us righteous women who will serve the ummah.

Umamah bint al-Harith (rahimahillaah) – Advice to Daughter

Abd al-Malik said: “When ‘Awf ibn Muhallim al-Shaybani, one of the most highly respected leaders of the Arab nobility during the jahiliyyah, married his daughter Umm Iyas to al-Harith ibn ‘Amr al-Kindi, she was made ready to be taken to the groom, then her mother Umamah came in to her, to advise her, and said:

‘O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you possess these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.

(1) ‘O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father’s wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.

(2) ‘O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion with whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.

‘Take from me ten qualities, which will be a provision and a reminder for you.

(3 – 4) ‘The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one’s husband pleases Allah.

(5 – 6) ‘The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume (i.e. Wash yourself often).

(7 – 8) ‘The fifth and the sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.

(9 – 10) ‘The seventh and eighth of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.

(11 – 12) ‘The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.

(13) ‘Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment, whilst the latter will make him unhappy.

(14) ‘Show him as much honour and respect as you can, and agree with him as much as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and conversation.

(15) ‘Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like to until you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before yours, in whatever you like and dislike. And may Allah (Subhanahu wa ta’ala) choose what is best for you and protect you.’” 

Ref: [Buloogh Al-Arab (أرب) of Aloosi (2/19), Majma’ Al-Amthaal of Al-Meedaani, Al-Iqd Al-Fareed]