Islamic Guidance on Refusing Intimacy with a Husband Involved in Infidelity
Refusing intimacy with husband due to infidelity
Question: A married man with four children engages in immoral acts, even recording them on his phone. One of his friends sent a video of him to his wife, who then refused to engage in intimacy with him, fearing disease transmission. She did not seek divorce, wishing to stay with her children to protect them from corruption.
What’s the advice?
Sheikh ’Abdulhameed Az-Zu’kari ḥafidhahullāh (slightly paraphrased):
That (refusing intimacy) is good, [as Allāh ﷻ said]
{ ٱلزَّانِی لَا یَنكِحُ إِلَّا زَانِیَةً أَوۡ مُشۡرِكَةࣰ}
"The [male] fornicator does not marry except a [female] fornicator or polytheist" [Surah An-Nūr: 3]. If he continues with his immorality, she has every right to refuse intimacy while being under him. This man has disgraceful behaviour, we ask Allāh for safety and wellbeing. He disobeys Allāh in secret and does not stop there, he records, discloses and perhaps even spreads it.
[Allāh said]
{ إِنَّ ٱلَّذِینَ یُحِبُّونَ أَن تَشِیعَ ٱلۡفَـٰحِشَةُ فِی ٱلَّذِینَ ءَامَنُوا۟ لَهُمۡ عَذَابٌ أَلِیمࣱ فِی ٱلدُّنۡیَا وَٱلۡـَٔاخِرَةِ}
"Indeed, those who love to see indecency spread among the believers will suffer a painful punishment in this life and the Hereafter." [Surah An-Nūr: 19]
Likewise, The Prophet ﷺ said, “All members of my Ummah are forgiven except those who sin openly. Indeed, it is considered a form of open sin when a person commits a wrongdoing at night and then, in the morning, says, ‘I did such-and-such last night,’ thus exposing what Allāh had concealed.” This is a grave matter, dear brothers. When a person sins privately, there is hope that they may be guided to repentance and return to Allāh. But when someone boasts about their sins, and they may even encourage others to follow them in wrongdoing.
And this woman is still upon goodness, whereas others may disregard the boundaries entirely and say if he’s doing this and I’ll do it aswell. Thus, spreading evil, falling into evil and inviting others to it. So, Muslims must fear Allāh and guard their chastity, as stated in the Qur’ān: “And those who guard their private parts, except with their wives or what their right hands possess.” When describing the true believers, Allāh emphasises the virtue of chastity. Despite the many commendable traits of the believers, Allāh singles out chastity as a defining quality: “Certainly will the believers have succeeded … those who guard their private parts.” The Prophet ﷺ instructed ’Ali ibn Abi Talib (may Allāh be pleased with him), saying, “Guard your chastity, except with your wife or what your right hand possesses.”
In reality, this is merely from Shayṭān’s enticement. Otherwise, a person has their lawful spouse to fulfill their desires, providing mutual satisfaction and protection from sin. Yet, Shayṭān deceives people, making them see someone worse than their spouse as more appealing, solely to lead them astray. We ask Allāh for protection and well-being. Immorality and deceit are widespread globally in an alarming manner, and unless people repent to Allāh, the fate of this world appears bleak.
Only a few short days remain in this world, so safeguard your chastity until you meet Allāh with an abundance of good deeds. Beware of letting desires overcome you, for doing so brings punishment in the grave and in the Hereafter, unless Allāh forgives and shows mercy. Even in this world, a person who indulges in such sins may find themselves living in sadness, feeling broken and humiliated after their temporary satisfaction fades. Thus, we seek Allāh’s mercy and protection, praying for His cover over our shortcomings. Well-being means avoiding sin, and covering means not being exposed if one falls into them. We seek both from Allāh and seek refuge from immorality and temptation, whether visible or hidden.
Many factors contribute to this widespread moral decline, including social media, diminished fear of Allāh, an obsession with worldly gains, overpowering desires, weak commitment to knowledge and righteous action, and due to not wanting good for others, failing to act as they would want others to act toward them. When the Prophet ﷺ treated a young man who sought permission to commit adultery. He sought permission to fornicate. He knew that it was impermissible, and that he had no chance unless the Prophet gave him an allowance. However, the Prophet ﷺ asks him, “would you want such behaviour for your mother, sister, aunt, daughter…” He kept saying, no, no, no. So the Prophet ﷺ reminded him that: “similarly, others would not want it for their own family members.”… This wisdom resonated with him and prevented him from this wrongdoing.
So, as you would not desire this for your own loved ones, refrain from inflicting it on others. Allāh is the source of strength, and there is no might or power except with Him.