Raising a Righteous Child: Advice for a Single Mother

Guidance for a Single Mother: Nurturing a Righteous Daughter

CONCERN:

My 13 year old daughter’s behaviour is getting out of control. She is not in school at the moment. I am a single parent. I cannot find a brother who would mentor my daughter as I think she needs a male figure for discipline. There are no Muslim support groups for me. I only rely on Allah. My daughter has failed and Allah will question me about what I do. I will keep trying. Please advise me may Allah bless you all so I can benefit and implement your advice. I am not looking for sympathy, just practical advice. 

ADVICES (compiled from sisters):

Firstly, we ask Allah to ease your affairs and make your daughter a righteous obedient child. We ask Allah to help and aid us all as there is no help except from Him. 

Secondly, there are councillors upon the sunnah with whom you can share your personal history and family situation, and Insha’Allah they can offer you more suitable advice. 

However, the following advices may be of benefit Insha’Allah:

1. Life is a test and Allah tests us in different ways; including health, wealth, children, parents, etc., so be patient and know that Allah’s relief is around the corner. 

2. Remember that guidance comes from Allah azza wajjal and that the du’a of the parent is never rejected, so make plentiful du’aa for her especially at times when du’a are more likely to be accepted (i.e. last third of the night, in sujood, etc). 

3. Remember that she is at the age where she is struggling with self-identity, insecurities, hormonal changes and mental health, so some rebellious behaviour is expected. But if her behaviour is 100% out of control, then she is most likely going through something and you need to get to the root of it. 

4. The issue may be exacerbated if she feels uncomfortable confiding in you, so do your best to be friends with her and win her over, then try to communicate about the difficulties she may be facing. keep her CLOSE! laugh with her, love her and be vocal that you love her. Hug her!! Do NOT dismiss anything she has to say. Pray together as much as you can. Read books together and encourage good behaviour. Listen to her and make her feel heard. I know teenagers might not open up, but the key here is consistency and patience. 

5. Her friends are the most influential people at this stage. It’s said that “During this age, children achieve independence; their personalities manifest; they look more to their peers than their parents.” Look at what kind of company she keeps and what sort of influence they have on her. Remember that in this day and age a child may have 1/2 physical friends in the real world and hundreds of friends ONLINE, so monitor who she communicates with online. You should set parental controls on Internet usage and make sure she is not watching rubbish.

6. Be the best example you possibly can for her; offer your prayers on time, cover yourself appropriately, avoid sins (especially in her presence), observe good manners, and do your best to fulfil your rights as a single mother. 

7. Remind your daughter that Allah is All-Seeing and All-Hearing. Remind her of death, the Hereafter, Paradise and Hell. Does she not fear the punishment of her Lord when she is crossing the boundaries of Al-Islam?

8. Intervention of strange men may not be a good idea because she is coming of age, unless you intend to get married. Alternatively, her mahrams (father, grandfather, uncles, etc.) should be informed. Even if you’re not married, her father still has a duty to ensure good upbringing for his daughter. 

9. Your daughter not being in school is a concern that needs to be addressed. She should not remain idle, otherwise Shaytan will get the better of her. This is why some of the Salaf used to say:

إني لأكره أن أرى الرجل فارغًا لا في أمر دنياه، ولا في أمر آخرته.

“I hate to see a man idle; neither being occupied with his worldly matters nor with his Akhirah matters.” So keep her busy as much as possible; with Qurʿān, Islamic classes, household chores, useful tasks, homeschooling, etc.

May Allah Aid us all in the upbringing and cultivation of our children.