Islam & Marriage of Choice New

Does Islam Forbid Marriage of Choice? Quran and Hadith Explained

Question: Does Islam Forbid Marriage of Choice? Answer with Quran and Hadith!

Answer:

Alhamdulillah..!

In the Quran, Allah Almighty says:

اعوذباللہ من الشیطان الرجیم

بسم اللہ الرحمٰن الرحیم

فَانۡکِحُوۡا مَا طَابَ لَکُمۡ مِّنَ النِّسَآءِ مَثۡنٰی وَ ثُلٰثَ وَ رُبٰعَ

"Marry those that please you of [other] women, two or three or four."

(Surah An-Nisa, Verse 3)

By commanding marriage of choice, the Quran has bestowed a great favor upon men and women. However, in our society, the choice or dislike of the boy and girl is not considered; only that of the parents is seen. Even if consent is asked, it is mostly asked of the boy, while the girl is not given her right.

Undoubtedly, marriage should be done with the consultation and consent of parents, but parents should also keep these commands of the Holy Quran in view. They should not force their will upon their children. Rather, both the girl and the boy should be consulted.

The Reality of Love and Marriage

Marriage of choice and love happens in different ways. If in the love on both sides, Allah’s Shariah limits were not broken and the lovers did not commit any sin, then it can be hoped that a marriage resulting from such love will be more successful, because this marriage took place due to the desire of both for each other.

When a man’s heart becomes attached to a girl with whom marriage is permissible, or a girl likes a boy, then there is no solution for it other than marriage.

Because the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:

لَمْ نَرَ لِلْمُتَحَابَّيْنِ مِثْلَ النِّكَاحِ

Translation: “We do not see for those who love one another anything like marriage.”

(Sunan Ibn Majah / Book: The Chapters on Marriage, Chapter: The Excellence of Marriage: Hadith Number: 1847)

Sahih Hadith

In the explanation of this Hadith, Sindhi (may Allah have mercy on him) says:

Here the word “Mutahabbayn” (those who love each other) holds the possibility of both dual and plural… and the meaning is:

If there is love between two, then other than a relationship like marriage, there can be no other connection or permanent closeness between them. Therefore, if marriage takes place between them alongside this love, then this love will grow stronger and increase every day. (End quote).

Human Nature and Compatibility

Marriage means two people living together for a lifetime, tolerating each other, and looking at each other’s face for a lifetime.

It is human nature that every human has their own preference; some things, some faces look good to a human, they appeal to them, and some do not look good. Someone’s character and conduct is liked by one person and not by another.

Every thing created by Allah, every human is beautiful, there is no doubt in that. But still, naturally, everyone’s likes and dislikes are different. Sometimes a very beautiful thing doesn’t appeal to us, and sometimes a thing considered ugly by others looks good to us.

And it is also in nature that every human likes to see or eat their favorite thing repeatedly, and does not like to see or eat a disliked thing—be it a person or food—repeatedly.

Taking this nature into account, if we see… how can a whole life be spent with a disliked person whose face, intellect, speech, and character are not liked?

And due to this very nature, Allah sent down the command for men regarding marriage to marry those whom you like. And then in Ahadith also, a formal command was given to consider the likes and dislikes of women.

The Command to Seek Consent

Sunan Ibn Majah

Book: The Chapters on Marriage

Chapter: Seeking consent of virgins and previously married women

Hadith Number: 1871

حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ الرَّحْمَنِ بْنُ إِبْرَاهِيمَ الدِّمَشْقِيُّ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏حَدَّثَنَا الْوَلِيدُ بْنُ مُسْلِمٍ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏حَدَّثَنَا الْأَوْزَاعِيُّ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏حَدَّثَنِي يَحْيَى بْنُ أَبِي كَثِيرٍ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏عَنْ أَبِي سَلَمَةَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ:‏‏‏‏ لَا تُنْكَحُ الثَّيِّبُ حَتَّى تُسْتَأْمَرَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏وَلَا الْبِكْرُ حَتَّى تُسْتَأْذَنَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏وَإِذْنُهَا الصُّمُوتُ.

Translation:

Abu Hurairah (RA) says that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “A previously married woman shall not be married until she is consulted (gives clear permission), and a virgin shall not be married until her permission is sought, and her permission is her silence.”

Takhreej Dar-us-Salam:

Sahih Muslim/Nikah 9 (1419), Sunan Tirmidhi/Nikah 17 (1107), (Tuhfat al-Ashraf: 15384), Also narrated by: Sahih Bukhari/Nikah 42 (5136), Al-Hiyal 11 (6968, 6970), Sunan Nasa’i/Nikah 33 (3267), Musnad Ahmad (2/221, 250, 425, 434), Sunan Darimi/Nikah 13 (2232) (Sahih).

So that the woman is also happy with this marriage. Because when she is happy, she will keep her husband happy, and for a good woman, keeping the husband happy is very essential.

The Qualities of the Best Wife

Sunan An-Nasa’i

Book: The Book of Marriage

Chapter: Which women are best (for marriage)?

Hadith Number: 3235

أَخْبَرَنَا قُتَيْبَةُ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏قَالَ:‏‏‏‏ حَدَّثَنَا اللَّيْثُ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏عَنْ ابْنِ عَجْلَانَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏عَنْ سَعِيدٍ الْمَقْبُرِيِّ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏قَالَ:‏‏‏‏ قِيلَ لِرَسُولِ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ:‏‏‏‏ أَيُّ النِّسَاءِ خَيْرٌ ؟ قَالَ:‏‏‏‏ الَّتِي تَسُرُّهُ إِذَا نَظَرَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏وَتُطِيعُهُ إِذَا أَمَرَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏وَلَا تُخَالِفُهُ فِي نَفْسِهَا، ‏‏‏‏‏‏وَمَالِهَا، ‏‏‏‏‏‏بِمَا يَكْرَهُ.

Translation:

Abu Hurairah (RA) says that it was said to the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him): “Which woman is best?” He said: “The one who pleases him when he looks at her (1), obeys him when he commands, and does not oppose him regarding herself and her wealth in a way that he dislikes (2).”

Takhreej Dar-us-Salam:

Narrated solely by Nasa’i (Tuhfat al-Ashraf: 13058), Musnad Ahmad (2/251, 432) (Hasan Sahih).

Explanation:

(1): She welcomes him with clean clothes and a cheerful face.

(2): When the husband calls to fulfill his sexual desire, she becomes ready immediately and gives him open permission to use her wealth.

Sheikh Al-Albani said: Hasan Sahih. (As-Silsilah As-Sahihah, Albani).

How will a woman who is not happy herself keep her husband happy?

Similarly, if the husband looks at her, he will only be pleased if she is of his liking, if he loves her, if her character, speech, and appearance appeal to him. When he doesn’t like her at all, how will she look good to him..??

The Importance of Love for Success in the Hereafter

And the manner of keeping the husband happy was also described:

عَن ابْنِ عَبَاسٍ مَرْفُوعاً: أَلا أُخْبِرُكُمْ بِرِجَالِكُمْ مِّنْ أَهْلِ الْجَنَّةِ؟   النَّبِيُّ فِي الْجَنَّةِ، وَالصِّدِّيقُ فِي الْجَنَّةِ، وَالشَّهِيدُ فِي الْجَنَّةِ، وَالْمَوْلُودُ فِي الْجَنَّةِ، وَالرَّجُلُ يَزُورُ أَخَاهُ فِي نَاحِيَةِ الْمِصْرِ لَا يَزُوْرُه إِلَّا لِلهِ عَزَّوَجَلَّ۔ وَنِسَاؤُكُمُ مِّنْ أَهْلِ الْجَنَّةِ؟   الْـوَدُودُ الْوَلُـوْدُ العَؤُوْدُ عَلىٰ زَوْجِهَـا الَّتِيْ إِذَا غَضِبَ جَآءَتْ حـَتّٰى تَضَعَ يَدَهَا فِيْ يَدِ زَوْجِهَا وَتَقُوْلُ لَا أَذُوْقُ غَمْضًا حَتَّى تَرْضَى.

Translation:

Narrated by Abdullah bin Abbas (RA) in a Marfu’ tradition: (The Prophet peace be upon him said) Shall I not inform you about your men from the people of Paradise? The Prophet is in Paradise, the Siddiq (truthful) is in Paradise, the Martyr is in Paradise, the infant is in Paradise, and the man who visits his brother in a corner of the city and visits him only for the sake of Allah Azza wa Jal is in Paradise. And your women who are from the people of Paradise? The loving, the fertile, the one who returns frequently to her husband. The one who, when her husband gets angry, comes and places her hand in his hand and says: I will not taste sleep until you are pleased.

(Silsilah As-Sahihah, Hadith Number-287)

(Shu’ab al-Iman by Bayhaqi, Hadith Number-8474)

This is the loving wife, who will be with her husband in Paradise as well.

But the one who does not like her husband, who does not want to see him…

Will she love her husband like this??

Will she be able to become the embodiment of this Hadith and an heir to Paradise?

First, the parents forced her and did not give her a husband of her choice; second, due to disliking the husband, she cannot keep him happy.

Neither peace in this world nor success in the Hereafter..!!

Historical Examples: When Forced Marriage Failed

Here, some people will say that if the girl is sensible and religious, she adjusts. She should, and perhaps she does, but maybe this happens very rarely.

I will give you an example. A female companion (Sahabiya) was married to a man she did not like. There is no doubt about the piety of both the husband and wife.

But what happened??

Why could they not remain happy??

It is in the Hadith.!

عَنِ ابْنِ عُمَرَ ، أَنَّهُ حِينَ هَلَكَ عُثْمَانُ بْنُ مَظْعُونٍ تَرَكَ ابْنَةً لَهُ، قَالَ ابْنُ عُمَرَ فَزَوَّجَنِيهَا خَالِي قُدَامَةُ وَهُوَ عَمُّهَا، وَلَمْ يُشَاوِرْهَا وَذَلِكَ بَعْدَمَا هَلَكَ أَبُوهَا، فَكَرِهَتْ نِكَاحَهُ، وَأَحَبَّتِ الْجَارِيَةُ أَنْ يُزَوِّجَهَا الْمُغِيرَةَ بْنَ شُعْبَةَ، فَزَوَّجَهَا إِيَّاهُ.

Translation:

Abdullah bin Umar (RA) narrates that when Uthman bin Maz’un (RA) passed away, he left a daughter. Abdullah bin Umar (RA) says that my maternal uncle Qudamah (RA), who was the girl’s uncle, married her to me and did not consult her; this was after her father had passed away. The girl disliked this marriage, and she wished to be married to Mughira bin Shu’bah (RA). Eventually, Qudamah (RA) married her to Mughira.

(Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith Number-1878)

Hadith Ruling: Hasan.

The chain is weak but due to corroboration, this narration is Hasan.

Observe another narration!!

حَدَّثَنَا أَزْهَرُ بْنُ مَرْوَانَ ، قَالَ : حَدَّثَنَا عَبْدُ الْأَعْلَى بْنُ عَبْدِ الْأَعْلَى ، قَالَ : حَدَّثَنَا سَعِيدُ بْنُ أَبِي عَرُوبَةَ ، عَنْ قَتَادَةَ ، عَنْ عِكْرِمَةَ عَنِ ابْنِ عَبَّاسٍ أَنَّ جَمِيلَةَ بِنْتَ سَلُولَ أَتَتِ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ فَقَالَتْ : وَاللَّهِ مَا أَعْتِبُ عَلَى ثَابِتٍ فِي دِينٍ وَلَا خُلُقٍ ؛ وَلَكِنِّي أَكْرَهُ الْكُفْرَ فِي الْإِسْلَامِ، لَا أُطِيقُهُ بُغْضًا فَقَالَ لَهَا النَّبِيُّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ : ” أَتَرُدِّينَ عَلَيْهِ حَدِيقَتَهُ ؟ ” قَالَتْ : نَعَمْ. فَأَمَرَهُ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ : أَنْ يَأْخُذَ مِنْهَا حَدِيقَتَهُ، وَلَا يَزْدَادَ.

Translation:

Hazrat Abdullah bin Abbas (RA) states:

Jamila bint Salul (RA) came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and submitted:

“By Allah, I do not fault Thabit for any defect in religion or character, but I dislike Kufr (ungratefulness) in Islam [i.e., being ungrateful to the husband]. I will not be able to live with him because I dislike him due to his appearance.”

So the Prophet (peace be upon him) said to her: “Will you return his garden (Mahr) to him?” She said: “Yes, I will return it.” (In fact, in one narration it says: I will return even more than that.)

The Prophet (peace be upon him) ordered Thabit to take his garden from her, and not to take more (and to release her).

(Sunan Ibn Majah, Hadith Number-2056)

Hadith Ruling: Sahih.

Allahu Akbar!

The words in the Hadith are clear that the Sahabiya did not like her husband; she could not keep him happy by living with him. Could anyone be more pious than the female and male Companions?

But consider, despite efforts, she could not keep her husband happy, could not love him. And she did not want this action to make her disobedient to her husband and consequently cause Allah to be displeased.

Now, if she had been asked at the time of marriage, the situation of divorce would not have arisen.

Seeing the Prospective Spouse

Religiousness and understanding are in their place, but like and dislike are in their own place.

Men face the same issue that they haven’t seen the girl, because girls generally see men from behind the veil as they come and go, but for men, seeing a veiled woman is difficult.

That is why the Prophet (peace be upon him) allowed and advised boys to look at their future fiancée:

Sunan Ibn Majah

Book: The Chapters on Marriage

Chapter: When one intends to marry a woman, looking at her once

Hadith Number: 1866

حَدَّثَنَا الْحَسَنُ بْنُ أَبِي الرَّبِيعِ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏أَنْبَأَنَا عَبْدُ الرَّزَّاقِ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏عَنْ مَعْمَرٍ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏عَنْ ثَابِتٍ الْبُنَانِيِّ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏عَنْ بَكْرِ بْنِ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ الْمُزَنِيِّ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏عَنِ الْمُغِيرَةِ بْنِ شُعْبَةَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏قَالَ:‏‏‏‏ أَتَيْتُ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ فَذَكَرْتُ لَهُ امْرَأَةً أَخْطُبُهَا، ‏‏‏‏‏‏فَقَالَ:‏‏‏‏ اذْهَبْ فَانْظُرْ إِلَيْهَا، ‏‏‏‏‏‏فَإِنَّهُ أَجْدَرُ أَنْ يُؤْدَمَ بَيْنَكُمَا، ‏‏‏‏‏‏فَأَتَيْتُ امْرَأَةً مِنْ الْأَنْصَارِ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏فَخَطَبْتُهَا إِلَى أَبَوَيْهَا، ‏‏‏‏‏‏وَأَخْبَرْتُهُمَا بِقَوْلِ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏فَكَأَنَّهُمَا كَرِهَا ذَلِكَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏قَالَ:‏‏‏‏ فَسَمِعَتْ ذَلِكَ الْمَرْأَةُ وَهِيَ فِي خِدْرِهَا، ‏‏‏‏‏‏فَقَالَتْ:‏‏‏‏ إِنْ كَانَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ أَمَرَكَ أَنْ تَنْظُرَ فَانْظُرْ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏وَإِلَّا فَإِنِّي أَنْشُدُكَ كَأَنَّهَا أَعْظَمَتْ ذَلِكَ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏قَالَ:‏‏‏‏ فَنَظَرْتُ إِلَيْهَا، ‏‏‏‏‏‏فَتَزَوَّجْتُهَا، ‏‏‏‏‏‏فَذَكَرَ مِنْ مُوَافَقَتِهَا.

Translation:

Mughira bin Shu’bah (RA) says: I came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and mentioned to him that I am proposing to a woman. He (peace be upon him) said: “Go and look at her, for it is more likely to induce love between you two.” So I came to a woman from the Ansar and proposed to her through her parents, and informed them of the saying of the Prophet (peace be upon him). It seemed as though they disliked it. He says: The woman heard this while she was in her private room, so she said: “If the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) has commanded you to look, then look; otherwise, I adjure you by Allah” — as if she considered it a grave matter (to look without permission). Mughira (RA) says: So I looked at her and married her. Then he mentioned their mutual agreement and harmony. (Meaning he was very happy with this marriage, and there was mutual love between them).

Takhreej Dar-us-Salam:

Sunan Tirmidhi/Nikah 5 (1087), Sunan Nasa’i/Nikah 17 (3237), (Tuhfat al-Ashraf: 11489), Also narrated by: Musnad Ahmad (4/244), Sunan Darimi/Nikah 5 (2218) (Sahih).

In the last two Ahadith, two things are mentioned.

Mughira bin Shu’bah married after seeing and liking, so it remained good. And the two marriages above happened without choice—meaning Jamila bint Salul and the daughter of Hazrat Uthman bin Maz’un (RA)—whose marriages took place with disliked persons and failed, and both had to take a divorce.

Warning Against Un-Islamic Relationships

I am not saying that one should engage in romance and love affairs before marriage; I am saying that it is better to like each other before marriage.

And given how our society is, if two people like each other, they should adopt the lawful path of marriage, and parents should support them.

However, it should be clear that the love based on un-Islamic (non-Shari’i) relationships—for example, where the boy and girl meet each other, stay in seclusion, kiss and embrace, and commit other such haram acts—its outcome will be bad, and this marriage will not last long.

Because such lovers have committed violations of Shariah and laid the foundation of their life on this violation, which will have an effect on their marital life, and there will be no blessing (Barakah) and ability (Tawfeeq) from Allah Almighty. Because due to sin and disobedience, blessing goes away. Although Satan has shown green pastures (false hopes) to many people that marriage resulting from such love, which involves Shari’i violations, proves more successful and lasting.

Furthermore, the haram relationships that existed between them before marriage will put them in doubt and suspicion of each other. The husband will think that just as she established relations with me, she might have relations with someone else too, because this has happened with him.

And similarly, the wife will also think and suspect that just as he had relations with me, he could be with some other girl too, and this has happened with him.

So in this way, both husband and wife will live a life of doubt, suspicion, and mistrust, on the basis of which their marital relations will sooner or later become strained.

And it is also possible that the husband may blame his wife, shame her, and taunt her that she established relations with him before marriage and was content with it, which will be a cause of taunting, shaming, and disgrace, and due to this, instead of good companionship, bad companionship will arise between them.

Therefore, in our view, any marriage performed based on un-Islamic relationships will likely not remain successful for long and cannot have stability.

Conclusion

And the last point is that the proposal chosen by parents is neither entirely better nor entirely bad. Parents should consider the child’s happiness along with a good proposal. And if the family chooses a proposal in a good and better manner, and the woman possesses religion and beauty, and this relationship is settled with the consent of the husband and the girl—that both of them want to do this—then there is hope that this marriage will be successful and lasting.

And if the correct proposal is not chosen, or if the act of choosing the proposal was good but the husband is not willing, or the girl is not willing, then this marriage will predominantly fail and will not have stability, because that whose foundation is not desired—meaning they do not have inclination towards it from the start—that thing will likely not prove to be lasting..!!

We pray to Allah Almighty that He grants us and our parents the ability to understand these matters. Ameen Ya Rabb al-Alameen.

(And Allah knows best what is right)

Reference: https://alfurqan.info/problems/238