Engagement in Islam: Rulings, Benefits, and Un-Islamic Practices

The Concept of Engagement in Islam: Rulings, Benefits, and Pitfalls

One of the matters related to marriage is Mangni(engagement). This is a Hindi term, which is called “Khitbah” in Arabic, and in Urdu, it refers to the act of sending a marriage proposal before the marriage contract. However, the actual marriage contract is considered complete when performed according to Islamic law, i.e., with the proposal (Ijab) from the girl’s guardian (wali) and acceptance (Qubul) from the boy, both in the presence of two just witnesses.

In Islam, the concept of engagement is evident, and there are several proofs for it. Here are a few:
(1) Allah, the Almighty, says:
ولا جناح عليكم فيما عرضتم به من خطبة النساء (البقرة: 235)
Translation: “And there is no blame upon you if you make an offer of marriage to women or hold it in your hearts.”

(2) It is proven from the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) that he proposed marriage to Aisha (may Allah be pleased with her) and was engaged to her. (Bukhari: 4793)

(3) The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was also engaged to Hafsa (may Allah be pleased with her). (Sahih Bukhari: 4830)

Islamic Ruling:

Based on the aforementioned proofs, engagement is permissible (Mushroa), and after engagement, it is not allowed to break the promise without a valid reason. However, if a valid reason or flaw appears in either party, the engagement can be broken.

Wisdom and Benefits of Engagement:

In everyday life, we observe that whenever two parties, institutions, or departments enter into an agreement, they meet to discuss it. The tradition of engagement has existed for centuries, though its form may have varied. The wisdom behind engagement is to allow both parties to get to know each other properly. The major benefit of engagement is that it helps both parties to make the decision to marry or refuse based on a closer understanding.

Permissible Actions in Engagement:

• Perform Istikhara (guidance prayer): When considering engagement, one should perform Istikhara as the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “If any of you intends to do something (permissible), then let him pray two Rak’ahs and make supplication.” (Bukhari: 6382)
• Propose to a religiously committed woman:
  عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ رَضِيَ اللَّهُ عَنْهُ عَنْ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ : تُنْكَحُ الْمَرْأَةُ لِأَرْبَعٍ : لِمَالِهَا ، وَلِحَسَبِهَا ، وَلِجَمَالِهَا ، وَلِدِينِهَا ، فَاظْفَرْ بِذَاتِ الدِّينِ تَرِبَتْ يَدَاكَ۔ (متفق علیہ)
  Translation: Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “A woman is married for four reasons: for her wealth, for her lineage, for her beauty, and for her religion. So, you should choose the one with religious commitment, as that will be the best for you.”
• Marriage to a virgin (bikr): The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said to Jabir (may Allah be pleased with him):
  فَهَلَا بَكْرًا تَلَاعَبُهَا وَتَرْعَبُكَ (متفق عليه)
  Translation: “Why didn’t you marry a virgin? She would have played with you, and you would have played with her.”
  (This hadith is reported in Sahih Bukhari, Sahih Muslim, and other authentic collections.)
• Marriage to a woman who gives birth to many children: The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:
  تَزَوَّجُوا الوَدُودَ الوَلُودَ ، فَاِنِّی مُکَاثِر بِکُمُ الأُمَمَ (أبواود)
  Translation: “Marry those who are affectionate and fertile, for I will boast of your large numbers before other nations on the Day of Judgment.”
• Seeing the fiancée (manqiya): It is recommended in Islam to see the fiancée before marriage. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said to Mughira bin Shubah (may Allah be pleased with him) when he was about to propose:
  “جاؤُهَا فَانظُرْ إِلَيْهَا، فَإِنَّ ذَٰلِكَ أَجْدَرُ أَنْ يُؤْدَمَ بَيْنَكُمَا” (صحیح ابن ماجہ: 1524)
  Translation: “Go to her and look at her, for that is more likely to lead to mutual love and a stronger relationship between you both.”

Un-Islamic Practices in Engagement:

(1) Engagement on top of another engagement: The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:
لا یخطب الرجل علی خطبة اخیہ حتی ینکحہ او یترک (رواہ البخاری)
Translation: “A man should not propose to a woman who is already engaged to his brother until he marries her or leaves her.” (Sahih Bukhari)

(2) The custom of exchanging rings: During engagement, it is common for the boy and girl to exchange rings, which is known as “Double” in some cultures. This is done with the belief that wearing the ring will bring benefits. This is a pre-Islamic (Jahili) practice, based on weak beliefs, and it is also an imitation of non-Islamic traditions. Moreover, wearing gold rings is forbidden for men in Islam.

(3) The practice of inviting to an engagement feast: If a meal is offered as a gesture of hospitality, there is no harm, but compelling or forced invitations for a feast are not permissible. Similarly, the custom of distributing sweets at engagement parties is not correct.

(4) Presenting flower garlands: In some regions, it is customary to present flower garlands during engagements, which is also an un-Islamic practice.

(5) Gatherings of alcohol and food (kebab): Engagement parties held at luxury hotels with alcohol, kebabs, dancing, and music are completely prohibited in Islam.

(6) Mixing of genders: During engagement ceremonies, it is common for unveiled women to mix with unrelated men. This is also forbidden in Islam.

(7) Expensive gifts: Expensive gifts are often exchanged during engagement, and sometimes, people take loans to fulfill this practice when they cannot afford it. This not only goes against Islamic principles but also involves extravagance.

(8) Un-Islamic Practices Regarding the Fiancée:

• From an Islamic perspective, it is permissible to look at the fiancée’s hands and face. However, sometimes, parts of the body are exposed and examined, which is not allowed. Both the boy and the girl sometimes engage in this behavior.
• The boy is given the opportunity to be in seclusion with the fiancée to get to know each other better, which is a forbidden act.
• After engagement, contact with the fiancée, phone conversations, and going out together begin.
• Sometimes, lies and deception negatively impact the marriage, and before the marriage, the boy and girl may even engage in physical relations. This is considered fornication (Zina), which Islam has forbidden.

A Moment of Reflection:

Some people have turned engagement into a business, where they use it as an excuse to look at the girl, have a meal, and receive gifts. The marriage proposal becomes just a pretext. For a girl from a poor family or a girl who is not considered particularly beautiful, marriage has become a huge challenge. Hundreds of men come to view her, and while some further impoverish themselves through lavish meals, others tarnish her reputation by pointing out various flaws. If engagement is understood in this way, Islam does not permit such an engagement.

Important Links:

Sunnah Method of Nikah

Rights of Spouses in Islam

Is It a Wife’s Duty to Make Her Husband Religious in Islam?

Islamic Guidance on Intimacy

Khula in Islam

Rulings and Issues of a Widow in Islam

Women’s and Husbands’ Ingratitudein Their Accountability in the Hereafter

By: Maqbool Ahmad Salafi
Jeddah Dawah Center, Hayy As-Salamah, Saudi Arabia