Understanding the Method of Intimacy in Islam
The Method of Intimacy and Its Etiquettes and Issues
Islam provides comprehensive guidance for all aspects of human life, offering pure principles and a natural system for every matter. Allah, the Almighty, does not shy away from stating the truth; He has conveyed to us, through His Prophet, every aspect of life, from the smallest to the greatest. Marriage and intimacy with one’s spouse are means of safeguarding modesty and promoting procreation. Allah does not withhold even such a significant matter from us; He has clarified it as well. In the era we are living in, immorality and shamelessness have become common trends. Allah has saved us from disbelief and misguidance and granted us the guidance of faith. We must always think carefully before taking any step, ensuring that we are not making any mistakes. Every step should be taken with utmost caution.
When a person reaches the threshold of youth after birth, they feel the need for a companion to find natural peace and comfort. Islam has provided a pure system of marriage to establish a life partner. Through marriage, both individual and social levels of corruption and disruption are eliminated, leading to the construction of a righteous society, starting from the home to the broader community.
By getting married, two strangers immerse themselves in love and affection to such an extent that the foreignness disappears, and a relationship of familiarity, like an ancient bond, emerges. Husband and wife become garments for each other. After the pure bond of marriage (Nikah), all the alienation and barriers vanish, as if they become one soul in two bodies. This is a great blessing from Allah upon His servants.
The sexual union between husband and wife is referred to as ‘Jamaa’ in Arabic and ‘Hambahastri’ in Urdu. Just as Islam has given a pure system for marriage, it has also provided clean and clear guidelines for intimacy. It is essential for every Muslim man and woman to know these principles. Below, I am outlining the method of intimacy and the related etiquettes and issues.
The Jews believed that engaging in intercourse with the wife from behind would result in the birth of a cross-eyed boy. Allah refuted this notion by saying:
"Your wives are a tilth for you, so approach your tilth as you will." (Surah Al-Baqarah: 223)
Translation: Your wives are like fields for you, so you may approach your fields however you wish.
The meaning of this verse is that a husband is allowed to have intimacy with his wife in her front private part in any manner he desires. The front private part of the wife is permissible for the husband, while intercourse in the back private part is prohibited. This prohibition is clearly stated by Allah before this verse. Allah says:
"They ask you about menstruation. Say, 'It is harmful, so keep away from women during menstruation, and do not approach them until they are pure. And when they have purified themselves, then come to them from where Allah has ordained for you. Indeed, Allah loves those who repent and loves those who purify themselves.'" (Surah Al-Baqarah: 222)
Translation: They ask you about menstruation. Say, ‘It is harmful, so stay away from women during menstruation, and do not approach them until they are pure. And when they have purified themselves, then come to them from where Allah has allowed you. Indeed, Allah loves those who repent and loves those who purify themselves.’
Here, Allah is commanding that intimacy during menstruation is prohibited, and once the wife has purified herself by performing a ritual bath, the husband is allowed to have intimacy with her in the area where Allah has permitted. Menstruation comes from the front private part, and intercourse is forbidden until menstruation stops. Once menstruation ends, the husband is allowed to have intimacy in the place where the blood was flowing.
To further clarify the interpretation of “Your wives are a tilth for you,” consider the following authentic hadiths. Ibn Abbas (RA) narrates that when this verse was revealed: (“Your wives are a tilth for you, so approach your tilth as you wish”), it meant that the husband can approach his wife in any manner, whether from the front, from behind, or while she is lying down — meaning in the place of procreation. (Sahih Abu Dawood: 2164)
Translation: “Your wives are a tilth for you, so you may approach your tilth however you wish, meaning whether from the front, from behind, or while lying down — in the place where children are conceived.”
In another narration from Ibn Abbas (RA), it is stated: “Your wives are a tilth for you, so approach your tilth however you wish, whether from the front or from behind, but avoid the back passage and intercourse during menstruation.” (Sahih At-Tirmidhi: 2980)
Translation: “Your wives are a tilth for you, so you may approach your tilth however you wish, whether from the front or from behind, but avoid the back passage and intercourse during menstruation.”
In today’s challenging times, it is essential for husbands and wives to understand and implement this Islamic guidance in their lives. Those who engage in immoral acts, such as watching explicit videos and wrongfully releasing semen, lose their sense of modesty. Gradually, they begin walking down the path of immorality. Remember, having intimacy with your wife in an Islamic manner is also a source of reward. The Prophet (PBUH) said:
وفي بُضْعِ أَحَدِكُمْ صَدَقَةٌ، قالوا: يا رَسولَ اللهِ، أَيَأتي أَحَدُنَا شَهْوَتَهُ وَيَكونُ له فِيهَا أَجْرٌ؟ قالَ: أَرَأَيْتُمْ لو وَضَعَهَا في حَرَامٍ أَكانَ عليه فِيهَا وِزْرٌ؟ فَكَذلكَ إذَا وَضَعَهَا في الحَلَالِ كانَ له أَجْرٌ. (صحيح مسلم:1006)
Translation: “And in the act of intercourse with your wife, there is charity.” The companions asked: “O Messenger of Allah! If one of us fulfills his desire, will he be rewarded?” He (PBUH) said: “Do you not think if he fulfills it in a forbidden manner, he would have sin for it? Likewise, when he fulfills it in a lawful manner, he earns reward.”
Now
some etiquettes and issues related to intimacy are mentioned below:
1. Intimacy with the wife should be done with the intention of protecting chastity, preserving dignity, procreation, and avoiding sinful acts. In this case, Allah will not only reward the act of intimacy but also bless the couple with righteous offspring and grant them worldly and spiritual blessings.
2. Intimacy is not merely an act of physical pleasure but should bring peace of mind and comfort to both spouses. Therefore, before intimacy, the husband should engage in pleasant conversation with his wife, mentally and physically preparing her for the act.
3. It is recommended to recite the following supplication before intimacy:
بِسْمِ اللَّهِ، اللَّهُمَّ جَنِّبْنَا الشَّيْطَانَ وَجَنِّبِ الشَّيْطَانَ مَا رَزَقْتَنَا (صحيح البخاري:3271)
Translation: “In the name of Allah, O Allah! Keep us away from Satan, and keep Satan away from what You have granted us.” If they are blessed with a child, Satan will not be able to harm the child.
4) The place of intimacy should be private, with no one able to hear or see. The location should be secluded, and it is enough to uncover the private parts to the extent necessary for intimacy. However, it is permissible for spouses to see each other and be fully naked with each other. The hadith which suggests that looking at the wife’s private parts during intimacy causes blindness has been declared a fabricated hadith by Sheikh Al-Albani. Similarly, all the weak hadiths that claim that Aisha (RA) and the Prophet (PBUH) never looked at each other’s private parts are also unreliable.
5) Intimacy is prohibited during the state of Ihram (the sacred state during pilgrimage) and while fasting. However, intimacy can occur at any other time, whether day or night. Intercourse is prohibited during menstruation (Haid) and postpartum bleeding (Nifas), but other forms of enjoyment, except intercourse, are permissible. If someone engages in intercourse during menstruation, they must give a dinar or half a dinar in charity and sincerely repent to Allah, so they do not break His command again in the future. The same applies to intimacy during postpartum bleeding. However, according to the correct opinion, intimacy with a woman experiencing irregular bleeding (Istihada) is permissible.
6) It is permissible to have intimacy with the wife during pregnancy. However, the husband must always consider his wife’s mental state, health, and comfort in such a condition. Pregnancy can be very difficult, and the Quran has referred to it as “suffering upon suffering.” Therefore, at times, doctors may advise the husband to refrain from intimacy. It is important to follow medical advice, especially during the later stages of pregnancy, as intimacy during this time can be risky.
7) Regarding intimacy during the waiting period (Iddah) of a divorced woman (Raj’iyya), scholars have different opinions. The preferred view is that if the husband engages in intimacy with the wife with the intention of returning to her (Raj’aa), then it will count as a return, and the divorce will be annulled. However, if the intimacy occurs without the intention of reconciliation, it will not count as a return, such as having intercourse driven by desire during the waiting period.
(8) There is no harm or shame in discussing sexual desires during intercourse; however, just as vulgar and obscene talk is prohibited in general situations, it is also prohibited during intercourse.
(9) The use of sexual enhancement medications to arouse desire before intercourse is harmful to the body, so it should be avoided. However, if a man has sexual weakness, he should seek treatment from a qualified physician, which is permissible.
(10) Intercourse with the wife’s front private part is permissible when she is in a state of purity from menstruation and childbirth. It is also permissible to kiss, engage in playful behavior, and touch or look at the body parts, including the private parts, to prepare for intercourse. All positions for intercourse are permissible. It should be noted that when the desire for intercourse arises, neither the husband should refuse the wife nor the wife should refuse the husband.
(11) There is no harm for the husband to touch or look at the wife’s private part, but kissing it is considered indecent. Similarly, there is no harm for the wife to touch or look at the husband’s private part, but kissing it or putting it in the mouth is considered indecent. In summary, kissing a woman’s private part and oral sex is entirely indecent and against the pure teachings of Islam.
(12) For a husband and wife to engage in unnatural ways to expel semen also comes with various physical harms and is a path taken by shameless people. A believer considers modesty in all matters. Generally, a husband invites his wife to adopt unnatural methods of intimacy and shameless behavior. Such a woman should remember the incident of the Ansari woman during the time of the Prophet, whose Qurayshi (migrant) husband wanted to engage in a manner that was not customary among the Ansar. The wife refused and said, “We only accept one way of intercourse, so adopt that way or stay away from me.” This matter reached the Prophet (peace be upon him), and at that time, the Quranic verse (Your wives are a field for you, so go to your field as you wish) was revealed, the interpretation of which has been mentioned above. For details of the incident, see: (Sahih Abu Dawood: 2164).
(13) The Prophet (peace be upon him) said that whoever has intercourse with his wife in her anus is cursed (Sahih Abu Dawood: 2162). Therefore, no Muslim should commit such a cursed act and make himself deserving of divine wrath. If someone has committed such a heinous act, they should immediately turn to their Lord and seek forgiveness from Allah to have their sins pardoned. As for the belief that having intercourse with the wife’s back private part invalidates the marriage, there is no truth to such a claim.
(14) If possible, it is recommended to perform a full wash (ghusl) or ablution (wudu) before having intercourse again on the same night. However, it is also permissible to have intercourse again without ablution, as the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) would engage with multiple wives after a single wash.
(15) When a man’s private part enters a woman’s private part, both the man and the woman become obligated to perform a full wash (ghusl), regardless of whether ejaculation occurs or not. It is permissible to sleep in a state of major impurity (janabah), but one should perform ghusl before the Fajr prayer or at the time of the prayer to ensure they can pray on time. Recitation of the Quran is not allowed in a state of janabah, but remembrance of Allah, supplications, work, conversation, eating and drinking, including having suhoor (pre-dawn meal), are all permissible.
(16) If the call to prayer (adhan) begins or the sound of the iqamah is heard while in the act of intercourse, there is no harm in continuing the act; however, one should complete it quickly and perform ghusl to offer the prayer. It should be noted that deliberately remaining in bed after hearing the adhan, even until the iqamah is called, and then engaging in intercourse is a neglect of our duties and a disregard for prayer. As for responding to the adhan, it is not obligatory for everyone; rather, it is a communal obligation (fard kifayah) and carries great reward. Therefore, if a husband and wife wish to respond while conversing or kissing, there is no harm in doing so, but scholars have advised against responding to the adhan during intercourse. Once the act is completed, they can respond to the remaining words.
(17) It is permissible to ejaculate outside the private part during intercourse with the intention of spacing children when necessary; however, one should avoid doing this out of desire, as a primary purpose of marriage is procreation.
(18) Discussing the private matters of a husband and wife, including their intimacy and intercourse, in public is a sign of shamelessness. The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) prohibited this behavior among the community. Those who create and spread images or videos of intercourse should take heed of this. How cursed are those who make, disseminate, and watch obscene videos. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
“All of my Ummah will be forgiven except for those who commit sins openly. Among the acts of open sin is when a man commits a sin at night, and Allah has concealed it for him, but in the morning, he says: ‘O so-and-so! I did such and such last night,’ while his Lord had concealed it for him. In the morning, he uncovers what Allah had concealed for him.” (Sahih al-Bukhari: 6069)
Translation: “All of my Ummah will be forgiven except for those who commit sins openly. Open sinning means that a person commits a sin at night while Allah has covered it, but in the morning, he says: ‘O so-and-so! I did such and such a bad deed last night,’ even though his Lord had concealed his sin. When morning comes, he begins to uncover the veil that Allah had placed over him.”
May Allah instill within us a sense of Islamic honor and dignity, enrich us with the wealth of modesty, keep us far away from shamelessness, and grant us the ability to adhere to the pure teachings of Islam with sincerity until our last breath. Ameen.
Important Links:
Islamic Principles of Sex and Marriage
Islamic Guidelines for a Healthy and Fulfilling Sex Life
Maqbool Ahmad Salafi
Islamic Da’wah Center, Northern Taif (Misrah)