Islamic Wisdom for Daughter-in-Law & In-Laws New

Fostering Harmony: Islamic Advice for In-Law Relationships

بِسْـــــــــــــــــــــــمِ اللہِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِیْمِ

In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

السَّــــــــلاَم عَلَيــْـــــــكُم وَرَحْمَــــــــــةُاللهِ وَبَرَكـَـــــــــاتُه

Peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you.

و لہُ الحمدُ فی اُولیٰ و فی الآخرۃ ، و افضلَ الصَّلاۃُ و السَّلامُ عَلیٰ رَسولِ اللہ، الذَّی لا نَبیَّ و لا مَعصومَ بَعدہُ

And to Him belongs all praise in the first [life] and in the Hereafter. And the best of prayers and peace be upon the Messenger of Allah, after whom there is no prophet and no infallible one.

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The world of the in-laws is a new one for a woman, where she receives alternative relationships. A woman of sound nature can, in any case, bear the new rules and regulations of the in-laws. For a prosperous and better marital life, it is necessary that our morals are high and our hearts are open and vast, and we should possess the quality of tolerance for one another. We should not forget mutual respect, honor, and virtue, which demands that the husband and wife should prevent each other from sin, enjoin righteousness, and if a difficult time befalls them, they should teach each other patience and forbearance.

It should be clear that a large number of scholars are of the opinion that “religiously and legally, it is not obligatory for a daughter-in-law to serve her in-laws.” This is a self-made principle of the modern world that has become prevalent since the end of the last century.

Some rules of the in-laws are imposed on a woman in the form of duties that have no connection to Sharia (Islamic law). Sharia commands a man to give precedence to the obedience and service of his parents over all other relationships and to treat his parents with kindness and goodness. And Sharia commands a woman to obey her husband and not to be remiss in fulfilling his rights. Allah Almighty says:

"Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth..." (An-Nisa 4:34)

However, in the present era, in the majority of homes, the newly-arrived daughter-in-law—who, just like her mother-in-law’s own daughter, has left her parents’ loving care to come under a man’s authority in her in-laws’ home—is expected to fulfill roles that are not included in her religious rights from the in-laws.

Generally, when a son gets married, he resides with the joint family, and these expectations from the in-laws actually arise within the joint family system. The daughter-in-law gets an in-law mother (mother-in-law) in the form of her husband’s mother and a father-in-law in the form of his father. She also has to interact with other relatives of the in-laws, such as her husband’s younger and older brothers and sisters. Here, the in-laws attaching undue expectations to the newcomer actually opens the door to discord and quarrels. Thus, the husband is still unacquainted with his wife’s good feelings and love when she becomes a victim of hatred and suspicion from her mother-in-law, father-in-law, and sisters-in-law for failing to meet their expectations. Then, a never-ending cycle begins, plucking the feathers of the dove of peace one by one, until the funeral of peace and tranquility is carried out from the house every day.

Below, I will mention those “rights” of the in-laws over the daughter-in-law that the in-laws consider obligatory from a religious perspective, but are not.

• It is not obligatory for a wife to serve and obey her in-laws, i.e., her husband’s relatives (mother-in-law, father-in-law, sisters-in-law, husband’s younger and older brothers, etc.). Sharia has not commanded a woman to obey her in-laws or serve them. However, if someone among the in-laws advises the daughter-in-law on an un-Islamic action, it is a sign of good fortune to act on that advice. Obeying someone who forbids un-Islamic and forbidden matters is a sign of fear of Allah Almighty. And it is obligatory for every Muslim to obey one who commands what is right, while turning away from such obedience is arrogance.
• Sheikh Muhammad Salih Al-Munajjid says:
  It is not necessary for a woman to ask for permission from any of her in-laws to go to her parents’ home, nor do they have the right to stop the daughter-in-law if her husband has given her permission. Rather, it is obligatory for the daughter-in-law to seek permission from her husband. If he gives permission, then it is not obligatory to seek permission from any of them.
• It is not obligatory for the daughter-in-law to cook for the entire household or wash the clothes. It is another matter if she does housework out of good character.
• It is not permissible for non-mahram men among the daughter-in-law’s in-laws, such as her husband’s older or younger brothers, to enter her room without her permission. If it is unavoidable for a non-mahram to enter her room, she can only grant permission in the presence of a mahram (a male relative she cannot marry) or her husband. Furthermore, it is obligatory for the daughter-in-law to observe the Sharia-prescribed veil (pardah) from non-mahrams in her in-laws’ home.
  Allah Almighty says:
  “O you who have believed, do not enter houses other than your own until you have asked permission and greeted their inhabitants. That is best for you; perhaps you will be reminded.” [An-Nur (27)]
  Allah, the Most High, says:
  “And when you ask [the Prophet’s wives] for something, ask them from behind a partition. That is purer for your hearts and their hearts.” [Al-Ahzab (53)]
  And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
  (“Beware of entering upon women.” A man from the Ansar said, “O Messenger of Allah! What about the brother-in-law?” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) replied, “The brother-in-law is death.”) Sahih Bukhari Hadith No. (5232), Sahih Muslim Hadith No. (2172)
• It is not the right of the in-laws to seek knowledge of the daughter-in-law’s marital affairs, such as her dealings with her husband, what her husband brought for her, the nature of their relationship, what methods of love and affection they use, who gave what gift to whom, etc. Furthermore, it is not permissible for the in-laws to interfere in the daughter-in-law’s matters with her husband.
• The mother-in-law and father-in-law should refrain from constantly imposing themselves on their son and daughter-in-law. Scolding, monitoring every action, and offering undue criticism prolong small matters.
• If living together with her in-laws permanently becomes a source of torment for the wife, to the extent that her family is also subjected to taunts and insults, this is a highly condemnable matter. The husband’s silence in this regard would be equivalent to oppression. Islam teaches the protection of people’s rights. For a Muslim to unjustly torment another Muslim is a great oppression that will bring loss to the oppressor on the Day of Resurrection. The rights of people must be respected, and whoever unjustly torments another Muslim will have to account for it on the Day of Judgment.
• It is not at all permissible for a wife to obey the un-Islamic commands of her husband or in-laws. For example, it is not permissible for the husband or in-laws to force the daughter-in-law to participate in polytheistic or innovative practices, eat forbidden food associated with such rituals, etc. The daughter-in-law is not bound to obey any command that goes against Allah Almighty and His Messenger (ﷺ). Undoubtedly, a husband has many rights over his wife; Sharia does not even permit a wife to speak loudly to her husband. But above these rights are the rights of Allah, which have the first priority for a person to fulfill. It is not befitting for a person to give precedence to the obedience of created beings over the obedience of Allah. It is permissible for children to obey their parents and for a wife to obey her husband only as long as they do not command something against Sharia or forbid a Sharia-mandated act and order their children, wife, or daughter-in-law to do the same. The Prophet (ﷺ) forbade obedience to the creation in matters of disobedience and sin:
  السمع والطاعة على المرء المسلم فيما احب وكره، ‏‏‏‏‏‏ما لم يؤمر بمعصية، ‏‏‏‏‏‏فإن امر بمعصية، ‏‏‏‏‏‏فلا سمع عليه ولا طاعة
  “Hearing and obeying is binding on a Muslim man in what he likes or dislikes, as long as he is not commanded to commit a sin. If he is commanded to commit a sin, then there is no hearing and no obeying.”
  Sahih al-Bukhari/Al-Jihad 108 (2955), and Al-Ahkam 4 (7144), Sahih Muslim/Al-Imarah 8 (1839)
  If a husband sees that his wife is being forced into matters that are against Sharia, he should warn his parents of this great danger and, with soft and gentle words and tone, advise and admonish them while also reminding them to fear Allah, the Most High. If, despite this, the husband’s relatives continue to force the daughter-in-law to perform un-Islamic acts, then religious wisdom dictates that the husband should use every permissible method to create distance between his wife and his family. If he has the means to arrange a separate house for his wife, there is no harm or fault in doing so; rather, he should do it so that the limits of Sharia are not violated and a marital life is saved from ruin.
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  On the other hand, I would also like to say something to the daughter-in-law: while it is undoubtedly not obligatory for you to serve your in-laws, the Islamic teaching of good conduct is obligatory for every person towards every other person. If you serve your husband’s parents, especially when they are old and in need of your attention, serving them will not only please your Lord but, with this good conduct and kindness, you can also win your husband’s heart. Surely, doing so will strengthen and give permanence to your marital relationship.

The life granted by Allah is not very long, but in this short life, there are many opportunities to reap rewards and blessings; the need is to put one’s commanding self (nafs al-ammarah) to sleep. For it is this self that distances people from one another and makes one neglectful of the rights of others. The pleasure found in mutual love and respect is not found in crookedness and discord.

Today, if a woman accepts the service of her mother-in-law and father-in-law for the pleasure of Allah and her husband, then Insha’Allah (God willing), Allah Almighty will also grant her own parents a serving daughter-in-law.

Dear sisters, if you can keep some of the excesses of your in-laws to yourself and tolerate them, you will be saved from many domestic resentments. For parents, their son moving to a separate residence is certainly painful, so do not let the situation reach that point, unless your faith and honor are at risk. Whenever you hear a harsh word from your mother-in-law or father-in-law, consider it as you would from your own parents. If you truly love your husband, then the sincerity of this love will only be proven when you love everything connected to him. Your husband loves his parents, so you should too. Whatever causes your husband pain should also cause you pain, and whatever brings him happiness and comfort should also bring you happiness and comfort. And remember, a man’s happiness lies in his parents’ smiles. So, if you tolerate the injustices of your in-laws for the sake of your husband’s happiness and work to resolve quarrels instead of escalating them, then surely Allah Almighty will fill your life with contentment and ease.

Do not cause harm to your in-laws through your actions. If you oppress and tyrannize your in-laws using your husband’s support, you will one day be held accountable before your Lord, where you will be questioned for every act of oppression you committed—a place where neither your own mother’s love nor dirhams nor dinars can save you from the horrific and painful place of Hell.

عن أبي هريرة -رضي الله عنه- مرفوعاً: «أتدرون من المفلس؟» قالوا: المُفْلِس فينا من لا دِرهَمَ له ولا مَتَاع، فقال: «إن المفلس من أمتي من يأتي يوم القيامة بصلاة وصيام وزكاة، ويأتي وقد شَتَمَ هذا، وقذف هذا، وأكل مال هذا، وسَفَكَ دم هذا، وضرب هذا، فيعطى هذا من حسناته، وهذا من حسناته، فإن فنيت حسناته قبل أن يُقْضَى ما عليه، أخذ من خطاياهم فَطُرِحتْ عليه، ثم طُرِحَ في النار».

Abu Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, “Do you know who the bankrupt one is?” They said, “The bankrupt among us is one who has neither dirham nor wealth.” He said, “The bankrupt of my ummah is he who will come on the Day of Resurrection with prayer, fasting, and zakat, but he had insulted this one, slandered that one, consumed the wealth of this one, shed the blood of that one, and beaten this one. So this one will be given from his good deeds, and that one will be given from his good deeds. If his good deeds are exhausted before his debts are settled, their sins will be taken and cast upon him, and then he will be thrown into the Fire.”

[Sahih Muslim / Hadith No: 2581]

Along with this, there is advice for husbands: when you see your parents at fault in domestic matters, discuss and reason with them in the best manner. Do not let there be any lack of respect and honor for them, and do not let your love for your parents stop you from courageously speaking the truth. Rather, bring such moderation to that courage that your parents do not feel disrespected and willingly accept the truth. Not only this, but you should also confront those from outside the family who create obstacles to the fulfillment of rights according to Sharia within your homes, because a Muslim cannot command his family based on anything other than the Quran and Sunnah.

Similarly, if the wife is at fault, tell her of her mistake with love and affection without hesitation. By adopting wisdom, a man can resolve his domestic quarrels to a great extent, even completely. But a man’s undue oppression of his wife is forbidden, and an authoritarian attitude towards his parents can also make him a sinner.

For more, please see:

https://islamqa.info/ur/answers/6388/%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%86%D8%AF-%DA%A9%DB%92-%D8%B1%D8%B4%D8%AA%DB%81-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%88%DA%BA-%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%88%DB%8C-%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D9%85%DB%8C%DA%BA-%D8%AF%D8%AE%D9%84-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D8%AF-%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%A7-%DB%81%DB%92?fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTAAYnJpZBEwTmg3WW0yNDdKUlluSGhrRAEe-iRzWO-o6zaiynQCvwhMQPG0UGQ-LTwAs9zRs-PHnKUBpOUf09WbEsyJFF4_aem_Wc-f7XWQ_oS9HPKQiWYruQ

اِنْ اُرِیْدُ اِلَّا الْاِصْلَاح مَا اسْتَطَعْتُ وَمَا تَوْفِیْقِیْ اِلَّا بِاللّٰہِ

I only intend reform as much as I am able. And my success is not but through Allah.

جزاک اللہ خیر وبارک فیک ونفع بک الکثیر الکثیر

May Allah reward you with good, bless you, and make you a source of great benefit to many.

تقبل الله منا ومنكم، وأعاده علينا وعليكم في خير وعافية

May Allah accept from us and from you, and may He bring it back to us and you in goodness and well-being.

ھذا, واللہ تعالى أعلم, وعلمہ أکمل وأتم ورد العلم إلیہ أسلم والشکر والدعاء لمن نبہ وأرشد وقوم , وصلى اللہ على نبینا محمد وآلہ وسلم

This, and Allah تعالى knows best, and His knowledge is most complete and perfect, and to Him knowledge is returned, and thanks and prayers are for the one who alerted, guided, and corrected, and may Allah’s prayers be upon our Prophet Muhammad and his family and peace.

وَالسَّــــــــلاَم عَلَيــْـــــــكُم وَرَحْمَــــــــــةُاللهِ وَبَرَكـَـــــــــاتُه

And peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you.

Written by: Mrs. Ansari