From Anti-Polygyny to Acceptance: A Personal Journey
A Heartfelt Message From A Former Anti-polygynist
When I was approaching my twenties, like any other girl, I dreamt of a pious, well-mannered young man. I built hopes and dreams about how we would live together and raise our children, and so on.
I used to be strongly opposed to polygyny. If I heard that a man married a second wife, I would, without realising it, curse him and say, “If I were in her place, I would throw him out just as he did to me.”
I would often argue with my brother and sometimes with my uncle about polygyny. They would try to convince me, but I stubbornly refused to be persuaded, insisting that I could never share my husband with another woman.
Sometimes, I even caused problems between a husband and wife if he wanted to marry another woman, inciting the wife against him until she would become furious with him.
Time passed, and I waited for my prince charming. I waited, but he was delayed, and I continued to wait until I was nearing thirty.
Ya Allāh, what should I do?
Should I go out and search for a groom? I can’t. People would say I’m shameless. So, what should I do?
I have no choice but to wait. Then, one day, I was sitting and heard someone say, “So-and-so has become an old maid.” I thought to myself, “Poor woman, she’s become an old maid.” But then… that name…it was my name!
Ya Allāh, it was my name. I had become an old maid. It was a shock so strong that no matter how I describe it, you won’t feel it. I had to face the reality—I am an old maid.
I began to reconsider everything. What should I do? Time is slipping away, the days are passing. I want to scream, I want a husband, I want a man to stand by me, to support me and help me with my affairs. I want to live, I want to have children, I want to enjoy my life.
One day, my older brother came to me and said, “A suitor came for you today, but I turned him down.” Without realising it, I asked him, “Why? How could you?” He replied, “Because he wanted you as a second wife, and I know you are against polygyny.”
I almost screamed at him: “Why didn’t you agree?! I am willing to be a second, third, or even fourth wife!”
Now, I understand Allāh’s wisdom behind polygyny. This is just one wisdom that made me accept it, so what about the others? O Allāh, forgive me for my ignorance.
I have a message for the men: Marry more than one woman, take a second, third, and fourth wife—on the condition that you have the capability and can be just. Save us from the torment of being unmarried; we are human beings just like you, we feel and we suffer. Protect us, have mercy on us.
And to my married sister, I say:
Thank Allāh for the blessing you have, for you have not experienced the torment of being unmarried. Please, do not be angry if your husband wants to marry another. Do not prevent him; instead, encourage him.
I know this is difficult for you, but seek your reward from Allāh. Look at the situation of your unmarried, divorced, and widowed sisters—who will take care of them?
Consider them as your own sisters, and you will earn great rewards for your patience.
You might say that an unmarried man can marry her, but look at the population statistics: The number of women far exceeds the number of men. If every man married only one woman, most of our women would remain unmarried. Don’t just think about yourself; think about us.
I am consumed with grief when I see a husband holding his wife’s hand. It stirs my emotions, but what can I do?
Your sister,
The Unmarried Woman